Steve Bailey and Buck Smolow have come up with a new "thing to do." That is, how would you complete the statement: "You might be a Lindy Hopper if..."

Thanks to Buck and Steve, here are a few to start:

You might be a Lindy Hopper if...

• more than one person can fit in your pants.
• the word Kip doesn't bring to mind memories of a girl named Buffy.
• its possible that your nipples are not visible above your pants.
• you think its cool to wear short, fat, ties.
• you take the mirrors off your ceiling and put them on the walls.
• a fly is not something you swat with a newspaper.
• someone says "nice whip" and they are not complementing your dungeon accessories.
• you have Swedish envy
• Your favorite Bible verse is Psalms 24:7 (or Psalms 147:6)
• you have black and white feet
• you go Lindy Hopping on the way to a Lindy Hop lesson
• you eat more than your own weight in food every day
• the first question you ask a girl is "How much do you weigh?"
• you think that the next number after eight is one
• when you pick up girls, you pick up girls...
• you look at height, not underwear

More from Andrei A. Chakovski (again):

• When you see Lindy Hop teams at competitions wearing "you may be a lindy hopper if" t-shirts. You pleasantly find that most of the list consisits of your comments.
• You start the next conversarion with Kevin St. Laurent and Carla Hiney with "Well, I liked how you danced on ABC’s Dance Fever (nationally televised show), but if I were you, I would have ….."
• You finally realize that Sylvia Sykes is indeed the most perfect woman on earth.
• You don’t count years gone by in numbers… You count them in shoe phases. "Remember the year when Blyers were in? Then came the Adidas year? Then Doc Martin’s… etc"
• You turn down lindy teaching gigs because that will disqualify your "Amateur" rating with the NDCA.
• At a lindy exchange, you turn down a hot LA dancer’s offer to "go back to her place" so you can keep dancing ("I paid for my 6 hours at this club and I’m gonna dance dammit!")
• You turn her down the next day for the same reason.
• You go to Rockabilly car shows not in search of classic vehicles, but potential new dance partners.
• San Francisco dancers are beginning to think you "play for the other team": someone told them they saw you dancing west coast swing.
• In fact, you’ve been caught "spankin’ the westie monkey" more than once. Your mother even walked in on you. *Gasp*
• When confronted about the westie treason by fellow hoppers, your excuse is "I … uhhh…. I don’t really like the dance, I’m just in it for the babes. Yes…. That’s it… The ladies…".
• This works only until you mistakenly put on your latin shoes at the lindy club. Yikes!
• Your dance partner dumps you because you’re too competitive.
• Whipping other couples with my zoot chain isn’t competitive. It’s just a *warderobe malfunction*. Hey! Come back!!! Who am I going to compete with next weekend???!!!”
• You are the grease that keeps your swing scene’s rumor mill the well-oiled machine it should be.
• She’s now dancing with so-and-so? Oh, that slut!
• You pick up potential new dance partners with something along the lines of "Been dancing long? Have you ever competed before? Can I throw you?"
• Out of boredom, you start dancing Waltz to swing music. Fairly soon you ralize you’ve just invented Quickstep all on your own.
• Thieves in the temple of Ballroom. Enough said. (If you don’t get it read below) You enter ballroom competitions just for the prize money. Then you spend your top-couple place ballroom prize money to enter swing competitions, knowing well in advance you’ll never make finals.

From: Laney Beal:

• you discover that a vaccuum has the perfect follow frame.
• you vow never to listen to swing music while vaccuuming again.
• you do anyway.
• you offer to pay for the DJ at the rest of your school dances so you can get swing all night long.
• They say yes, as long as they can watch you dance every song.
• you and your friends have nicknames for eachother baised on car ratings. "She's a BMW... She's a Ferrari"
• You actually read all the way through this web page.
• You didn't get all the things on this page so you spend hours doing research on lindy so you understand everything that has been said.
• You practice "seven-and-eight"s with the sides of doors
• Your whole wardrobe costs less than your first dancing shoes (thank goodness for second-hand stores)
• The only way your sister can think to describe her complete passion for gymnastics is by saying "I love it more than _______ loves swing" (and uses your name)
• You pray that forties clothing never comes back into style, so you can still afford it.
• People who have seen you swing dance, and don't themselves, start calling you God.
• You are in a freeze swing dance contest. You and your partner both get out. You love dancing so you continue to swing dance anyway, simply ignoring the freeze commands. The judges stop the music to analyze a few of the contestants still frozen. You continue to swing dance with your partner for about two minutes without music. The crowd starts to chant. When the music comes back on. You are perfectly on beat.
• You hear the term "scat" and all the non-dancers go "ewww", while you start doin' your thing.
• Duct tape is a regular in your purse.
• You notice your feet moving when you are bored. You wonder what they are doing, and you discover they are practicing a new break move for the Shim Sham.
• You notice poeple starting to copy you break moves for the Shim Sham.
• $5.00 for a shirt is an outragous price.
• You use the term "swinger" to describe yourself and your best friends.
• You can Lindy to "Sing, Sing, Sing". (Most Lindy-hoppers can, but you have to know what you're doing.)

From: Jonathan in Canberra, Australia:
You may be a Lindy Hopper if: You use this list as a checklist of things you've done / to do

From: Francis Thornton:
You replace the picture of your significant other with a picture of Frankie Manning!!!

From: Richard:

• You correct Andrei Chakhovskoi and tell him the fantasy firearm is a "Chicago Typewriter."
• Your friends know what you are talking about.
• When you shave your beard and many people like the new look, some say you look like "the Ringmaster."
• Your mother comments that a photo of you dancing looks like Jerry Colona.
• You get freaked out about it and do internet searches only to find out he was "the Ringmaster."
• Seeing the Jive Aces dancing on the bar make you wish you could play the trombone as well as Jerry Colona.

From: Saucy Wench

From a newcomer's standpoint, the first taste of lindy can be intimidating. But, as we all know, for a small percentage of the population, lindy hop is highly addictive. So...
You might be a baby lindy hopper if...

• You greet all potential dance partners with a shy, "I'm not really very good." (just so they'll be pleasantly surprised...)
• You still feel embarrassed about sweating in public.
• You really, really want to buy a pair of Bleyer's...but then people will expect you to be good... You buy the Bleyer's anyway.
• You go to a "beginner" workshop...and one of the other students says, "But you're not a beginner - I saw you at the club."
• You wear short twirly skirts, so that people will think, "Ooh, nice legs..." instead of, "Ew...bad dancing."
• Men try to teach you to swivel, swivel. You actually figure out how to swivel, swivel.

From: Sarah L. Fisher

You know you're a lindy hopper if...

After arriving at your new swing-deprived school in the middle of no where:

• You make absolutely awesome posters for the dance you're organizing only to realize that no one understands them.
• There's no where to dance and yet you still find yourself buying clothes for the sole purpose of dancing in them.
• While working as a tour guide for your school, you realize that you only try to recruit the prospective students who already know how to swing.
• Your roommate (who didn't know what swing was 2 months ago) has gone from listening to rap to downloading Benny Goodman under her own free will
• You no longer notice the strange looks you get as you Shim Sham and Jitterbug Stroll, by yourself, in the halls of your dorm
• You've seriously considered transferring from the honors college you currently attend to the no-name school close to home just because they have one jivin' swing club
• Without being told, people ignorant of swing culture start calling you "one hep kitten"
• You get the feeling that no one cares about your dancing stories any more and you still insist on telling them one more time

From Jackie Nicklas - Pittsburgh, PA

• You might be a lindy hopper (in Pittsburgh) if:
• You own a pair of pants for every skirt you own.
• You unconsciously do lindy kicks when rounding corners onto flights of stairs.
• The girl at Fashion Bug asks if you need any assistance, because you were spinning and kicking in the fitting room, making sure you could dance in whatever you were trying on.
• You can use terms like "MezzJelly" and "Trunky Doo" without batting an eye.
• You have no qualms about "Spanking the Baby" or doing the "Dirty Skirty".
• You've been called a Lindy Whore... and it made you smile.
• A non-dancing friend caught you doing 1-2 swivel-swivels in the hallway at school and just said, "That's that lindy thing... isn't it?"
• You decide not to go on your Senior Trip because it's the same weekend as a Lindy Exchange.
• You're now excited because you can spend the money that was supposed to be for the Senior Trip on more Lindy trips and workshops!
• When assigned to design your dream apartment for a school project, your spare room consists of a dancefloor and walls lined with mirrors.
• When deciding what college to go to, your deciding factor was whether or not the school had a Swing Club.

From Rhonda Laughery

• You might be a Yakima, Wa. Lindy hopper if you take a half day of vacation from work to go and dance at the senior center on Fridays.
• You might be a Yakima Lindy Hopper if the Senior Center is the only place to dance.
• You... if You learn new steps from the seniors

From Jason Richwine

• You were pulled over for drunk driving because you were practicing Shim Sham shoulder shimmies w/ both hands firmly on the wheel.
• You refuse to take that big promotion because "There's no scene in Wyoming!"
• You buy a new house and sell the dinning room table.
• You dance next to the merry-go-round at Six Flags.
• You won't buy tickets to see the Count Basie Orchestra because the auditorium has no dance floor.
• You KNOW it sounds better on vinyl.
• You invent aerials while lying in bed.
• You go to a wedding reception and only dance with people over 70.
• You can make more money per hour teaching lessons than you can at your day job.
• You jumped the plexiglass to dance on the ice during Kristi Yamaguchi's "Doup Doup" routine.

From Deb Brooks

• one of your standard evening accessories is an ankle brace
• you no longer buy clothes you can't dance in
• someone says vintage, they're not talking about wine.
• you buy Advil in the jumbo economy size.
• you frequently show up at work with a limp and/or bruises
• you can't pass a shoe store without checking to see if they have spectators even if you already have several pairs
• you carry luggage to social events but aren t planning a trip
• you won't get arrested for going "around-the-world"
• you underwear is an occasionally visible part of your evening ensemble
• you can't watch other forms of dance without trying to identify moves that could be turned into Lindy steps or aerials
• You Lindy Hop in the gas station parking lot near Glen Echo while waiting for a cab home (I actually saw this last Saturday!)
• You spend every long weekend at Lindy camps, workshops or competitions
• You schedule business trips around dance nights
• You only go home to sleep, to do laundry and to repack your dance bag
• You eat your main meal of the day at one in the morning
• You think about Lindy Hop whenever you re not actually doing it
• Your non-dance friends keep hoping that you'll come to your senses sothey can see you in person again
• You access jitterbuzz.com several times a week

From: Kristen

. My name is Kristen and I am a regular on the swing scene in Utah I go dancing at leat twice a week dancing savoy style. Well anyway some of us from what we call the swing circle were on our way to the Denver Lindy exchange and stopped at a gas station in spanish fork Utah to fill up. when we went to leave one of our cars wouldn't start. Since we were a whole group of dancers we were naturally listening to swing music so we had plenty in the cars. While we waited for help we just turned up the car stereo and blasted Louie armstrong and Ella fitzgerald, and danced away. People from the road were watching as they drove by and as people filled up they stopped to watch and applauded. It was a fun way to start our weekend of nonstop dancing. just a side note we danced from 7 at night till 5 in the morning for 4 days straight at the lindy exchange with the help of some provided energy packets. I don't know if this whole story qualifies as anything but I thought it went with the lindy hopping at the gas station comments. Just thought I would help contibute to the lindy cause. Long Live Lindy Hop

From: Kira

• you can tell how long someone has been dancing by the shoes they are wearing
• you would buy stock in Bleyers beacuse you buy so many pairs
• if you live in San Francisco ~ you go to the Doghouse every saturday night without fail
• you dont get there till 10 cuz you dont want to look to eager to dance
• you dance untill they start playing hip hop to get you to leave
• ...you stay and start doing hip hop
• you know where Herrang is and youve been there(Hot Shots are awsome!)
• you know what I meant by Hot Shots there
• you had sugar packet wars in Denneys, In Catalina, in almost every resturant youve been to with other dancers
• ...they start recognizing you and move you to a back table
• ...10 points for getting a packet in a glass, 5 points if the glass had water, 20 if you hit a waiter and 50 if you get it in their apron pocket....
• you've seen hamsters fly

From: Drew Fansler

• the American Baptist College you attend threatens to expel you if you don't stop dancing on campus.
• if someone says 'tandem,' they're talking about a bicycle.
• your grandparents catch you stealing stuff from their attic more than twice.
• You wish more people would die so there would be more estate sales.
• Your inbox is glutted with emails from sellers on eBay whose wares include 'vintage' in their title.
• you're used to the strange looks from tailors when you tell them that your pants don't come up high enough.
• High-water pants are better than low-rise pants.
• You live in Southern California, it's the middle of Summer, you're white as a ghost but neither deathly ill nor melanin-deficient.
• You refer to your male friends by only their first name preceded by up to three adjectives because you don't know their last names (i.e. "Big Tall Andy," "12-year-old-Drew").
• You don't own a tie that is capable of breaking your belt line.
• You use so much pomade on your hair that your sink and shower look like the Exxon Valdez.
• You've turned a late-night eating establishment into a Lindy workshop.
• You unexplicably break out in shim-sham sessions in public places when with other lindy hoppers.
• You never have less than two house guests on weekends or you ARE one of those houseguests
• you can likewise visit any city in the U.S. and not spend a dime on hotels.
• You'll pack up and take off on the spur of the moment if you hear Steven Mitchell is within 250 miles of your given location.
• You look at people's shoes before asking them to dance.
• You are pissed off that you own several Benny Goodman CDs and records but do not have more than two different takes of "King Porter Stomp"
• You think about sex once every seven seconds because you need a break from thinking about Lindy Hop for six seconds in a row.
• You speak to your favorite dance partner in a phony Swedish accent.
• A certain Jimmy Lunceford song fills you with an uncontrollable urge to pee on walls (a la Swing Kids.)

From Andrei Chakhovskoi, the only Russian lindy hopper in Sacramento, CA

You May be a lindy hopper if:

• You wake up in the morning frantically trying to remember the dream you had, because you clearly remember yourself doing a smooth move that you don't yet know in your sleep
• You actually remember that move. You've never seen it done before. You try it at the club. It wows the crowd. HEY, AM I THE ONLY ONE THIS HAPPENED TO???
• At your wedding your zoot chain is longer than your bride's gown.
• When you the cops bust a local gangster joint on the news, you ask yourself, "Why aren't the gangsters wearing pinstripe?"
• When you try to fall asleep, you no longer count sheep. You choreograph your next Friday night!
• Man, if Stalin and Hitler knew how to lindy, there wouldn't have been a WWII or a cold war.
• You've been known to get girls to dance with you by lassoing them with your zoot chain and pulling them towards you. (Man, those cowboy lessons sure pay off at the club, don't they?!!
• The heat in the room isn't generated by your breathing, but by the friction between your Bleyers and the floor.
• You visit a local shoemaker and demand that he attach a Bleyer sole to your Stacey Adams shoes (best of both worlds!)
• If only Ricky Martin took swing: Frankie Manning would be out of a job!
• When you invite your date to the hotel room, the guests next door complain about the 8-count "Squeek-squeek-sweekedy-squeek" of your bed to the management. (Gasp!)
• You can lindy to the national anthem of the USSR.
• You go to watch a Swing performance, and, after you realize how much those guys suck, you grab a follow and start dancing.
• The dance team then stops the show to invite you up on stage
• Man, if Bleyer tried to make a shoe to match every one of your suits, they would go out of business.
• But that will never happen because you are their best customer.
• The soles on your dance shoes are actually cutouts from Good Year off-road tires, steel belt and all!
• You dance to "Hey! Pachuco" in double time, with the paramedics standing by.
• Armed with sharpie markers, whiteout, and a ruler, you set to work on making your Nokia phone cover match your new pinstripe. (Mine is silver w/black stripe)
• Your followers always slow you down, so you dance with a blow-up doll
• You still steal the show.
• Lou Bega calls you a pimp
• You wear $1000 suits to the club and live in a VW bus under the bridge next to it.
• Your BLEYER shoes are autographed (Mine have Frankie Manning and Steven Mitchell)
• Steven Mitchells shoes are autographed by YOU.
• He wears them regularly.
• You ARE the swing scene in your town.
• Every Friday people leave the club early to go dance at your house.
• Because it has a better dance floor and the music is always live.
• You wish you were the Great Gatsby
• At a Halloween party Batman compliments your Joker costume Costume?! What costume?
• You drive a Chrysler PT Cruiser or a Plymouth Prowler
• You go to a Formal wearing your Gucci Loafers. When the DJ plays Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, as you do an aerial you kick off your shoes to reveal a pair of Spectator Socks underneath (Available at www.dancestore.com)
• No one realizes theyre actually socks.
• The playing cards in your hat read 3 ½, Tazmanian Devil King, etc.
• You wear an IMac mouse instead of a pocket watch. Hey, like you can actually USE that thing on a computer!
• You can teach Frankie Manning a thing or two.
• Because of you the club had to renovate: they raised the ceiling another 4 feet.
• The DJ stops the music: Hes afraid youll crack the floor.
• Youve been known to do a lindy move, a boogie move, and an east coat move All in eight steps.
• You really do have a girl in Paris, a girl in Rome, and a girl in the Vatican dome.
• Your CD Player has a 30 Minute antiskip.
• and since thats not enough, you ditch it for an MP3 player.
• You have a pinstripe Laptop
• You Lindy in the shower
• You get jealous when an 80-year-old asks your girl to dance and he's a better dancer than you.
• You actually have a serious talk with your girl that night.
• You get that 1000-dollar sound system for your car. Man, "Sing, Sing, Sing" never sounded this good!!!
• Whenever someone hears "Mr. Zoot Suit" by the Flying Neutrinos, they remember to call YOU that night.
• Your follow doesn't have to know how to dance. She just has to be as flexible as a stick of gum.
• Your lava lamp has two-tone wax.
• You show up with a Tommy gun to your NRA meeting.
• You lead with your knees. (I do!)
• It actually works better than the hand.
• You see if you can dance a whole song without having to do a single swingout.
• You still do them because your perfected swingouts look better than aerials.
• When you drive by the club, you honk the notes to "Jumpin' Jack"
• At a party, your friends say "Look, because of you we learned to swing!"
• You show them how it's REALLY done.
• Your girl dumps you for someone that's "normal".
• You go insane and try to paint everything in sight two-tone.
• Bleyer sponsors you.
• For you, joining the "Mile-High" club meant lindying in the airplane (Gasp!)
• Your car is two-tone.
• Your follow's breasts tend to get in the way when you dance.
• So your next dance is with another guy (Hey, as long as he can follow!)
• You DJ at a party just to make sure the music is "right".
• You actually manage to sneak in a dance or two while you're DJ-ing.
• The local high school history class takes a filed trip:. Into your closet!
• Your high school senior project was programming a robot that could dance.
• You still flunked because you clearly demonstrated to the judges that the robot couldn't keep up with you.
• People you don't know wait for you in front of the club every Friday.
• You still don't know them by the end of the night.
• The vintage clothing store is still in business because of you, and by god, you intend to keep it that way!
• You do a charity performance at the retirement home.
• Then they show you how it's REALLY done.
• You planned the whole thing just so you could turn the new Zoot Suit you bought for the event into a tax write-off.
• You have long intellectual debates on what Kurt Cobain and Benny Goodman have in common.
• You lindy in the limo on you way to you Senior Prom.
• You were just getting warmed up!!!
• You lindy to Rap music if it has 8 beats.
• And all your "homies" give you "mad props".
• You spend the rest of the night teaching them.
• Man, if Keanu Reeves wore two-tones, the Matrix would be almost as good as Swing Kids!
• You're wowed when you see that girl in that 30's dress. Then you realize there's nothing special about her when you see her naked.
• You ask her to put the dress back on.
• You're wowed again!

From: D.W. & Sam LaGrone

• You find you have more in common with the WWII vets in the VA than your fellow high school students.
• You've found that Gucci loafers slathered with Wite-Out just don't look as good as Stacy Adams.
• Your heartbeat is an eight-count.
• Aerials? Did someone say Aerials?
• When the contradancers arrive at Glen Echo, you are found clinging to the bandstand screaming "Lindy! Lindy!"
• You can be Zooted in 5 seconds provided a phone booth is near by.
• You can tell when Benny Goodman hits a sour note on your old records.
• You mutter "philistine" under your breath when you see (gasp) clip suspenders .
• Your wife wonders why you must have a suspended wood dance floor in your basement.
• The Salvation Army people are getting suspicious.
• You saw Swing Kids five times and you didn't even like it.
• The only thing you can think of doing with a time machine is going back to the forties and picking up some vintage threads.
• Your ties have been known to cause epileptic seizures.
• From Buck (or whatever...) Smolow
• you consider ice cream one of the 4 basic food groups right behind chocolate, water, and Chris Etcher's HeathBar Crunch Cake.
• when you have a chance to video tape sexy sexy ladies and studly guys, you aim the camera only at their feet.
• you are a woman and you begin shopping for underwear at Sports Authority instead of Victoria's Secret.
• your newest line is "hey, are those Bleyers?" and you really do want to talk about shoes.
• From: Elizabeth Showalter
• your friends no longer bother to ask you what you're doing on Friday, Saturday, Sunday...nights.
• you think an iced bottle of water is the ultimate prize for a dance contest.
• you routinely bring a change of clothes, water, and a towel or two for a night out (in addition to the aforementioned ankle brace).
• you don't wear your dance shoes off the dance floor
• From: Elizabeth Engel
• You sweat through your dance partner's shirt.
• You leave the floor on slow numbers.
• Most of your CDs are AAD.
• You evaluate the quality of CD players based on whether they skip when you and two of your closest friends jump up and down right next to them.
• You don't need a sweater at Glen Echo in January.
• Your non-dancing friends (all two of them) start to refer to you as "obsessed" or "rabid."
• Your dancing friends refer to you as "obsessed" or "rabid."
• You tell those two non-dancing friends NOT to come visit you any weekend a big swing event is on because you know they won't want to go and you'll either go and feel guilty, or miss it and MISS IT!!!
• You check the jitterbuzz.com travel guide before you go "anywhere".
• You practice shim sham steps sitting at your desk at work.
• And, in honor of Steve and Buck:
• You drink more than your own weight in water every day.
• You Lindy Hop in the Metro station while waiting for your train after a Lindy Hop lesson.
• From Sue Fedor
• you are a "swinger" with muliple partners who likes to "shag", several times a night and enjoys "messin' around" during breaks...all this and you're still a virgin!
• people know and greet you only by a nickname, not of your own choosing, bestowed upon you by fellow dancers.
• you left the theater ten minutes into "Malcolm X".
• you don't act your age (kids wearing their grandparents clothes...
• you are grandparents doing aerials...you know who you are....)
• you bought a copy of Disney's "The Jungle Book" to see the animated lindy dancing monkeys.
• you don't mind having someone's head or hands between your legs in order to execute a move.
• people could read a message written on the soles of your shoes during your part in the jam.
• people could read a message written on your underwear during your part in the jam. (Don't think this is far-fetched - Tina Connors used to have an American flag sewn on the rear of her underwear, long may it wave)
• you make people gasp when you dance.
• you make people laugh when you dance.
• alcohol impairs your dancing instead of loosens you up.
• home improvement includes removing carpeting, installing wood floors, and putting mirrors on the walls.
• your simply too busy dancing to have that affair with the President.

From: Neil Figuracion

Out in Los Angeles You might be a Lindy Hopper if...

• You can tell one guy from another by the cut of their black and white spectators!
• You know people by their dance nicknames, like "Dipping Bill" or "Lindy Bill", "Backless dress Wendy" or "Crazy Redhead Wendy", " Swinger Chris" or "Mean Chris..."
• Even if you don't share a name, people give you a nickname i.e Bernard of Hollywood
• You know the difference between Dean Collins and Savoy Styles, and that no style is definitive. (Well maybe I'm stretching a bit, most people don't seem to think about it that way)
• You've seen Ryan Francois do a picture perfect impersonation of Frankie Manning, Steven Mitchell, and RYAN FRANCOIS!
• You remembered how to breathe on New Year's Day after the start of the California Smoking ban.
• You have philosophical and political discussions about Zoot Suits.
• You can't help but write a screenplay about an up and coming young dancer. (Big Hahas if you're actually from Los Angeles)
• The December 1998 issue of GQ started on page 262.
• Custom made clothes are no longer out of the question.
• You've learned the power of ICE on swollen knees.
• The last magazine you bought had a cover date of May, 1944.
• New York City just seems like one big crowded dance floor.

Subitted by: C. Alan Parsons

You might be a transplanted VA Lindyhopper in Madison, WI if...

• There's a strong possibilty that you really DO have a gal in Kalamazoo
• your friends think the DC area is filled with Spanish Ballrooms lacking A/C
• You really do notice if your girlfriend gained 3 lbs since the last time you danced..
• You drink Miller brewing products, not out of region loyalty, but because it secretly reminds you of Glenn
• You fantasize about the warehouse at your office having wood floors, so you can lindy while you work
• The dry cleaners stopped running their Monday cleaning specials because of you
• The State Police know your name after repeated attempts to teach Lindyhop to your friends on the steps of the Capital armed with a boombox and a basic understanding of the dance.
• You think it's cold inside unless the ambient room temp is above 90
• your friends have threatened to bash your skull in if they hear the words "lindy," "aerial," "whip," or "Jam" again.
• Bathed in sweat you may be, you still refuse to loosen your tie, unbutton a button or leave the dance floor
• The other tenants in your building have nicknamed your apartment the Benny Goodman Suite
• You've seriously considered scrapping your bed, desk and dresser in favor of a wood floor and mirrors.

Alan also send this note:
Hi,
You don't have any clue who I am, and I wish I can say I was part of the awesome group you have assembled out there, but I'm not. My name is Alan Parsons, and I'm a 21 year old student at the Univ of Wisconsin-Madison. I was raised in VA but recently got really involved in swing. I am friends with Sam and Dan LaGrone, Nicole Shelton, Matt Smiley, et al.., and while I was back in VA in June, I did get a chance to lindy with y'all, and you guys are great!! Tom C and his Orch blew me away (there is a real lack of live swing music in this city, although you can find it in Chicago), and Tom & Debra are making me hold my breath until next spring-summer when I'll have a great extended stay back home (four months). I can't wait to get back and lindy with you guys again.

More from Alan: April 17, 1999

Additions... You might be a lindy hopper if....

• You laugh at Xavier Cugat jokes
• You meet an 84 year-old retired postal worker and you wet yourself
• You know how many Lindy Hoppers it takes to screw in a lightbulb
• "One, two, you know what to do, ha ha!" is an inside joke
• "A-here, a-there a-everywhere, ha-ha-ha!" is the punchline to that joke
• You told that beautiful young lady "No, wait, I'm dancing that night."
• Play is work
• You and your friends discuss whether or not Madison has the "resources" to support a scene like Minneapolis or DC has
• The words "it's only five hours away" is not an unusual comment
• Your co-workers no longer ask if it's a vintage shirt
• You think a Frankie Manning bear would be adorable

We can't stop talking about the Frankie workshop in the Twin Cities last week, and our minds are spinning out of control trying to figure out how to create a better scene in Madison. Any suggestion on how the DC scene became what it is would be appreciated. Thanks!! I can't wait to visit home again in June

From: Paul Sturtevant

• If you sweat through three shirts, drink four bottles of gatorade, and it's 40 degrees outside....
• If you have armpit sweat stains on your pants.
• If your heartbeat dots the eighth notes.
• You find the best time to propose is during the jam session. (That was so cool)

From: Neil Figuracion

• You measure history with the phrases "Pre Swingers," and "Pre GAP ad."
• Your Vision Quest takes you to Harlem.
• You drink eight glasses of water a night, and only need to use the restroom for handwashing.
• You complain about people being too "cliquey."
• You yourself are clique.
• You practice quickstops when your dog tries to drag you around on his leash.
• You buy souvenir towels at amusement parks because they just might come in handy.
• You're really surprised about people on the East coast doing Hollywood style, and people in Los Angeles doing East Coast.
• When you have a cold, you spend your days watching Swing Fever (or the Groovie Movie)
• That sailor suit you bought for Halloween will see use at other times of the year.
• Taking yourself to new heights involves a spotter.
• You understand the connection between Kung Fu and the perfect Swingout.
• You spend time on airplanes cataloging the local idiosyncracies of the dancers in the city you just left. (or is that just me?)
• Work is play.

From: Huey Pham

• Your heart beats to this rythm : Thump, thump, thump-de-dump, thump, thump, thump-de-dump.
• You may be a lindy hopper in LA if.... You're at a dance and Ryan Francois, Jenny Thomas, Eric Robinson, Sylvia Skylar, AND the winners of the Lindy Hop division at U.S. Open all show up at the same time! (This actually happened when I went back to California!)
• You know 10 different names for only one aerial move.... and you know where in which part of the country each name is used!

Hi, my name is Kate and I am one of the actively involved swingers of the Cincinnati cult. (Yes, we consider swing to be cult-like). Here are some ways to know if you are a Lindy Hopper in Cincinnati:

• you've progressed from wife beaters and khaki's to dress pants, button up shirt and tie.
• East Coast bores you.
• you spend non-club nights studying old footage of Whitey's Lindy Hoppers.
• as a woman you are a better male lead than some of the guys.
• you can get kicked in the face (or suffer some other major bodily harm) and still want to dance.
• you think gladitorial swing dancing is not a bad idea (in ridding the place of drunken non-dancers who like to think they can dance.)
• you envy the dance floors of clubs in other cities.
• you skillfully avoid the new crack in the floor at the club.
• as a woman you've seen the Blue Moon Boys at least 3 times.
• you are so focused on Lindy moves that you get lost driving to your friend's house. (This really happened)
• you take up carpentry to fix the afore mentioned new crack in the floor.
• the local band knows which songs to save for your arrival.
• visiting bands know which songs to save for your arrival.
• you manage several swing outs while waiting in line at BW-3's.
• the usual meeting place after a night of dancing is Skyline.

From: CHRYSTINA
HEY MY NAME IS CHRYSTINA...I'M A MEMBER OF THE WOODLAND HEPCATS CLUB AND UCD HEPCATS...I GO DANCING NO LESS THAN TWICE A WEEK...HOWEVER...SIX IS MY AVERAGE.....BUT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY STORY....I REMEMBER READING THROUGH YOUR LIST OF..."YOU MAY BE A LINDY HOPPER IF...." AND I SAW THE ONE ABOUT DOING THE LINDY IN THE GAS STATION....WELL...I HAVE A SIMILAR STORY... MY FRIEND AND I WERE COMING HOME FROM A NIGHT OF DANCING IN DAVIS AND WERE STARVING SO WE STOPPED AT JACK IN THE BOX FOR A BITE TO EAT.....WHILE WAITING IN THE DRIVE THROUGH BROWN DERBY JUMP WAS BLARING...ALONG WITH MY FRIEND AND I SINGING AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS...AS USUAL WE WERE JUST SO PUMPED WITH ENERGY AFTER OUR NIGHT OF SWINGING.....WELL...I GOT OUT OF THE CAR AND STARTED TO DO THE CHARELSTON....MY FRIEND FOLLOWED SHORTLY AND HER AND I BEGAN TO LINDY HOP AROUND THE CAR......THE PEOPLE IN THE CAR IN FRONT OF US PUT THEIR HANDS OUTSIDE OF THEIR CAR AND APPLAUDED US....ALSO...ON ANOTHER NIGHT.... I'M SURE EVERYONE HAS PERFORMED THE CHINESE FIREDRILL ATLEAST ONCE IN THEIR LIFETIME.....WELL....ONE NIGHT SOME FRIENDS AND I DID THE LINDY CHINESE FIREDRILL AROUND THE CAR....SO I DON'T KNOW IF THAT QUALIFIES ME OR NOT..BUT I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ATLEAST FIND IT TO BE AMUSING..... SWINGING IN CALIFORNIA.....
CHRYSTINA
"YOU GOTTA LOVE LIVIN' BABY!"

From: Bruce G. Malcolm
Hi! I teach the Lindy in Apple Valley (San Bernardino County) with my partner Kayleen. Here's how to know if you're really a Lindy Hopper:

You might be a lindy hopper if:

• You bring your own CD's when you go to a wedding or Christmas party "just in case."
• You go to a wedding or company Christmas party and everyone stops dancing to watch you.
• You coreograph new steps while walking in the mall, or walking in the grocery store, or feeding the dog, or driving to work...
• Your boss has talked to you more than once about swing dancing behind the counter.
• You quit your day job so you can have more time to practice for your lessons; they were holding you back anyway.
• People think of YOU when the Oreo Cookie commercial comes on.
• You go to a ska concert just in case they play a swing song.
• ...They don't and you lindy anyway.
• ...The ska band sees you and starts to play swing and tells everyone to give you room.
• None of your dancing shirts cost more than $1.50, but you paid more than $75 for your shoes when they were on sale.
• You've paid more than $30 in late fees for renting Swing Kids, and they STILL won't sell you the movie.
• You go through withdrawls when your dance partner leaves for two days; you CAN'T WAIT to show her the new moves you've thought up.
• You go to Denny's for dinner at 3:00am after teaching your Lindy class, and the waitresses make comments like, "Aren't you two just as cute as can be," or "My grandma used to wear her hair like that!"
• You learned one of your favorite fillers from your grandma.
• You tell "You might be a Lindy Hopper if..." jokes to your non-Lindy friends and it becomes a "guess you had to be there" moment.

From: Paul Ferris
You might be a lindy hopper if.....

• An 11 (lookswise) on a scale of one to ten asks you to dance and you turn them down because they have no rythim.
• At a wedding or company party you listen to regular music with eight beats so you can lindy.("Let's Go Crazy" by AFKA-Prince for instance. Scary but It works)

From: Melissa

Hi, I'm Melissa, a swing dancer in Vancouver attending the University of British Columbia. This year I discovered the joys of swing through a class offered by the school Ballroom Dance Club. However, once I was initiated into the world of Lindy (thanks to Blue Lizard, the people who run many of our city's swing events) there was no going back. Who needs the waltz, quickstep, cha-cha, etc...lindy's got it all!. Now that the school term is over, I anticipate a summer of dancing to my heart's content (and legs' exhaustion). Classes were just getting in the way of swing anyhow...

Anyway, a few answers to "You might be a lindy hopper if.."

• You attempt to explain the swingout to friends across the country over the phone
• when you imagine the worst posible thing that could happen to you, the first thing that comes to mind is 'knee injury'!!! AAAHHH!
• you actually sustain a sprained knee on the way to dance, but you persist in getting halfway to the club before giving up and limping to the hospital
• you attempt to dance a week and a half after spraining said knee - as soon as you can walk again
• you're pretty sure if you'd just tried harder you could have figured out a way to lindy on crutches

And, for the college set:

• you have recieved demerit points in residence for the floor below complaining of a constant 'thump thump thump-de-dump' at all hours
• you utilize the university gym dojo (ie with the nice padded floors , and mirrors) and yet you know no martial arts
• you shake your head at girls who wear (ugh) ONE-tone shoes with (gads!) HEELS to go out at night
• people think you have a hangover after the weekend but in reality you just can't move your legs...or back, shoulders, arms...
• you are the only person at your college WITHOUT an alcohol problem!
• like every other student, you stagger home after a night out - yet you've had nothing to drink.
• You're the only person who ever orders "just water" - and lots of it
• you disrupt Ballroom Dance Club functions by lindying to the Jive and Quickstep songs (the ballroom dancers always look so scandalized, heh heh)
• at heavy rock concerts, you are always listening for the 8-count
• your laundry costs are higher than your tuition
• instead of studying for your exams, you spend the day surfing swing sites on the internet...ahem, not that I'M doing this...
• and finally:
• you write haikus about swing: check out Melissa's stuff on the Poetry Page

From: Dave

YOU MIGHT BE A SWINGER IF. . .

• You loathe and despise GAP: wife beaters and khakis?! Yuck! No way in hell, daddy-o! Slacks and pinstripe!
• The only kinda socks you ever wear are black dress socks (yeh I do, always!)
• You bought another fedora, the first 2 didn't match your latest pinstripe
• you almost flip your car racing to see Jet Set Six @ AACC, and that was AFTER skipping out early from the school play you're PART of, but hey, it was worth it! "I'm Livin' It Up!"
• The plume in your fedora is 2 feet long!
• You wear slacks to school... you wear swank suspenders to hold up those pants... those suspenders are red and you've got the 'thug' hat and socks to match!
• You wear your Zoot chain every and anywhere!
• Seigels comes out with the triple Zoot chain AFTER you've already been sporting one... you make yours a QUAD Zoot chain! (Mine looks swank lemme tell ya!)
• You've kissed "Minnie the Moocher"
• You "get no kick from champagne" but watch those aerials! Ouch!
• You greet your friends (dancing or non) with "Hey Cat!"
• Your friends greet YOU with "Hey Cat!"
• It doesn't matter how much you spend as long as you look good or you're gonna be swingin'! (clothes and dance entrance fees!)
• You talk like you're outta 1947, ain't -that- swank daddy-o?
• You're a kitten wearing a suit, complete with suspenders! "Check out dem pecks!" ;
• Ya know, it really DON'T mean a thing if it ain't got that swing!

From: Bill Muirhead My friend and dance partner encourages me to point out that I definitely fall into the category of "You may be a (fanatical) Lindy Hopper if you..." because I actually built a bedroom adjacent to my office at my business so I could dance late at night during the week and go directly to work to sleep, thus saving the time of commuting the next morning.

From: Megan Dixon

• You lindy in your living room at least one hour a day, partner or no!
• You would much rather listening to Benny Goodman or Count Basie than Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.
• You (ladies) are on the phone at least once a week with your grandma getting tips for the perfect pincurls.
• You watch Swing Kids and point out to your friends how they could have done that move better.
• You'd rather perfect your swingout than do aerials.
• When you meet a new fellow you decide to go out with him based on if he can dance and if not, how hard it would be to teach him.
• You stop caring if your partner thinks it's unattractive that your shirt is soaked through with sweat.
• (for ladies) Other gals are madly jealous of your swivels.
• When the band is playing a slow song you lindy to it in double time.
• You've been caught showing your best dance pals new moves in restauraunts, cafes, the grocery store, etc.
• Your shins sport bruises on a regular bases.
• You're a follower and have noticed muscles on your right forarm that aren't on your left. (I really have!!)
• You feel embarrased when you think of how you used to show off when you first learned east coast.
• You and your partner can both lead and follow and have been known to switch roles midway through a song.
• Your male partner can swivel better than you!!
• Part of your perfect swingout includes the right facial expression!

From: KIRA

I'm a Swingin hep kitten by the name of Kira and I love these you know your a lindy hopper if....... things because there all sooooooo true! If I say one more thing about swing, I swear my whole school is going to mob me..........

• (gals) half your dancing steps are in the air.......
• You're upset when the local Swing dances only go from 12 in the afternoon to 12 00 Midnight
• your friends take turns singing so you can dance anyway......
• When the doctor says you have constant strain in your arm and should lay off it for a week, you start protesting and listing all the swing dances you are going to that night or that weekend
• you buy a cheap house/apartment with cheapy or crapy floors just so you can save money towards putting wood floors throughout the whole house/apartment.......
• when someone says wanna fly you know they 're not talekn about an airplane ride.........
• when your looking for a new hat it's over $50, not somthing you would wear to a basball game and it "has to go with your zoot.
• when someone does an Russian split, all the guys star wincing in pain and drop to the floor.
• (leads)your shirts start looking the same color as your suspenders, jacket and tie
• (follows) your shirt starts looking like your lead's suspenders, jacket and tie
• (follows) if someone wants you to dance for 4 hours straight in spiked heels, you dont bat an eye and only ask, is there free water?

From: Jamie Johnson

You know you're a Lindy Hopper if:

• you write e-mails to the members of the rhythm hot shots with a feeling that you have a special connection with them even though they have no idea who you are. (I'm still waiting for Catrine to write me back :)
• you know who has seen what movie and/or what swing instructional tape when you see a move on the dance floor.
• you have a master tape of all of your swing videos and you just watch the copies just in case they get damaged from all the rewinding.
• you despise domestic violence and yet you have a tendency to bruise women. (the poor hep kittens)
• you bruise women and yet they always come back for more.
• every time you see an old person on the street you imagine the time when they were young and say to yourself..."jeez, those were the days."
• you go to the post office....and it just makes you wonder....
• o.k. am I the only one who thinks that Frankie Manning looks like Capt. Picard from Star Trek -- the Next Generation?
• it really makes you excited when the girls you meet tell you that they used to do gymnastics (and your not even thinking about sex)
• your friend moves into a new apartment and your only inquiry is, "Do you have wood floors? How high is your ceiling?"

From: Swingjamm

some more u know ur a lindy hopper if's..........

• you get hope and when you smell your shirt/blouse u know exactly who you danced will that night( as my friend Nicco puts it, i didn't smell this good when i showed up!)
• u do aerials who's names are not alowed on the internet
• (follows) you partner can't explain the ariels, they will just throw you and say "like this!"
• you think a dance contest involving state champions are unfair and want a rematch
• you dont think it is at all weird when you see people doing the swingouts the monkeys did in the jungle book
• .....you join in
• the only history worth studying is WW2 era
• you make up a move to do when you beeper goes off when you dance so you can check it and keep dancing
• you make up a move to do when your hat falls off
• ......people think you knocked off you leads hat just so you can show them the cool pick up move
• ......you did

From: Jamie Johnson

• you know that "WWJD" really stands for "we were just dancing"
• "adidas"....all day I dream about swing.
• you go to the chinese restaurant and ask for the s(av)oy sauce.

From: Casey Kirchner

• When you buy a new dress, you have to mend the tears and take it to the cleaners before you can wear it, and you only bought it after determining that out of the 60 or so dresses you tried on, it was the easiest to dance in
• You spend so much at the dry cleaners, you start buying economy sized bottles of Febreze instead
• You have a little piece of paper tucked inside the sleeve of Swing Kids with time cues so you can fast forward to all the dance scenes
• You order drinks just to keep the club in business, but leave them sitting on the table while you dance instead of drinking them
• You chucked your suede-soled ballroom heels for Bleyers, and you forgot how to waltz
• You get irritated with people who say "The swing fad is fading " Fad? What fad? Things are just starting to pick up!
• You know what "real men let go on five " means

From: Lisa Neef

I'm a 21 year old exchange student named Lisa living in southwestern Germany this year, and I moved here right after spending a Lindy-filled summer in D.C. and Maryland. So here's how you know you're a displaced Lindy Hopper in Europe:

• Munich, the home of Marcus and Baerbl, becomes a mecca- a ray of light in a lindy-less wasteland.
• You feel an instant, secret bond with anyone you spot wearing two-tone shoes.
• You witness European Dancesport Rock & Roll and either go blind from the sheer horror or wonder how fast you can get Frankie Manning or Erik and Sylvia as missionaries to turn things around.
• You realize that 1940s clothes are still considered old trash, and buy vintage hats for 6 bucks.
• Ditto for swing CDs.
• You tape snapshots of Steve and Carla and flyers for dances at America all over your wall.
• You downloaded all the dancestore.com videos and watch them thrice daily in reverence.
• You view beautiful old castles and wonder what it would be like to dance in the hall.
• You ditch college parties in favor of going out with the old folks from down the steet. They still can't believe you know who Goodman and Miller are.
• As you walk through town you pretend to be one of the Swing Kids on your way to a secret dance.
• You can blow people away just by doing some East Coast steps before you even get to Lindy.

From: Matthew

My name is Matthew and been swinging for about three years now and doing lindy for about 8-9 months in this little no swing city of Jacksonville FL, and of course it has just totally consumed my life. I have some other, You might be a lindy hopper if. .. .. lines, and really true stories. LOL, thanks for your time, and hope you like em.

You might be a lindy hopper if. . . . . . .

• you can track down a roll of masking tape in five minutes or less.
• you check for a stacy adams tag before you buy anything.
• you show moves you just learned at a 24 hour diner at three in the morning after dancing.
• you swerve all over the road listeing to the oldies station.
• when you have been dancing for awhile, and ask a girl to dance, her first words are "I'm not that good".
• you purposely dance in groups of people to show how good you are.
• you are offended when they don't tell you how good you are when you see them in the hallway.
• all of your favorite internet sites have to do with dancing in one way or the other.

From: Drew

• the American Baptist College you attend threatens to expel you if you don't stop dancing on campus.
• if someone says 'tandem,' they're talking about a bicycle.
• your grandparents catch you stealing stuff from their attic more than twice.
• You wish more people would die so there would be more estate sales.
• Your inbox is glutted with emails from sellers on eBay whose wares include 'vintage' in their title.
• you're used to the strange looks from tailors when you tell them that your pants don't come up high enough.
• High-water pants are better than low-rise pants.
• You live in Southern California, it's the middle of Summer, you're white as a ghost but neither deathly ill nor melanin-deficient.
• You refer to your male friends by only their first name preceded by up to three adjectives because you don't know their last names (i.e. 'Big Tall Andy,' '12-year-old-Drew').
• You don't own a tie that is capable of breaking your belt line.
• You use so much pomade on your hair that your sink and shower look like the Exxon Valdez.
• You've turned a late-night eating establishment into a Lindy workshop.
• You inexplicably break out in shim-sham sessions in public places when with other lindy hoppers.
• You never have less than two house guests on weekends or you ARE one of those houseguests --- you can likewise visit any city in the U.S. and not spend a dime on hotels.
• You'll pack up and take off on the spur of the moment if you hear Steven Mitchell is within 250 miles of your given location.
• You look at people's shoes before asking them to dance.
• You are pissed off that you own several Benny Goodman CDs and records but do not have more than two different takes of 'King Porter Stomp'
• You think about sex once every seven seconds because you need a break from thinking about Lindy Hop for six seconds in a row.
• You speak to your favorite dance partner in a phony Swedish accent.
• A certain Jimmy Lunceford song fills you with an uncontrollable urge to pee on walls (a la Swing Kids.)

We are sure that our creative group will have lots more fun suggestions so we are offering this challenge to our readers. Come on folks, lets hear the gears turning!

Alternatively, you could offer answers to this question:

"What is Buck's real name?"

Some thinks that it is "Vinnie", while I think it is "Dominick". No fair responding if you know for real.

• From: Elizabeth Engel, "Sven. Definitely Sven."
• From: Gay Shepardson, "Schlomo. Unquestionably Schlomo Smolow.
  ---or---If he was a Limbo dancer he could be Howlowcanyago Smolow."
  ---or---Buck IS his first name.... it's just shortened from "Buckles"
• From: George Spelvin, "Woloms. His mother was attacked by a palindrome just before she gave birth to him. He can only be killed by a silver antonym fired by a virgin when the full moon is at the peak of the sky."
• From: The Devoneys
  It's Bhutros-Bhutros Smolow
  Haven't you read the papers? Didn't you see him on Nightline? Weren't you paying attention when Brokaw asked him about his campaign in Ghana? Well, let me set you straight. Bhutros-Bhutros (a.k.a. Buck) is actually an albino pigmy from a remote African tribe--pathetically trying to pass as a caucasian Lindy Hopper. I'm sure you've heard of his fellow tribesmen. There the ones in possession of the device that is alleged to be the "Ark of the Covenant". Some say that it is actually a primitive nuclear device. The tribal monks who guard it have been known to go blind and die horrible, excruciating deaths. Buck...I mean Bhutros-Bhutros...managed to get out of the grim duty and escape to "civilization" because of his incredible dancing skills. Ask him to do his tribal dance sometime. You should see him do it in a loincloth. Then again...maybe not.
  

Send your responses to: Lindy week in Review Contest Editor. Please, no Monica Lewinsky stuff.